Who made God?

"Who made God?" said a little voice from the backseat this morning as I pulled into my friends driveway. Ahnika even reminded me how hard that question was to answer.

Have you ever asked questions like that? I do all the time. I explained to little miss that it is through faith we believe God is and was forever. I told her how Daddy and I didn't know anything about her or the other three kids before we brought them home forever. It was through out faith in God that we obeyed God's call to adopt them. As I gave her a kiss and hug I prayed she would keep her faith an innocence.
I am so thankful she trusts me enough to ask these tough questions. I am thankful I can say I don't know the answer to tough questions.

I remember how I used to laugh at my classmates In high school who went to youth group. I thought they were losers. I just didn't understand how they could be so obsessed with something that didn't exist. I wonder how many of them prayed for me and for a broken heart so I would have to find Him and the salvation He offers. I just didn't know any better. I thought I was more important than some God they talked about.

Oh my, how wrong and dumb I was! As I continue my relationship with Christ I see how big God is. He pulled me from the muck and the myre. He washed me clean. I was renewed and restored to be who God created me to be. He promises I don't have to step back into the mud, He has roped off the muddy pit. It is only if I choose to enter then I do. In my past I never thought the God would continue to clean me off. But the cool thing is - He does! Every time I fill myself and cover myself with muck, God is standing there with a hose waiting to "rinse" me off. God has set me free from my past. Once I embraced His free help, my life changed forever.

Lord remind me that even in my life chaos you show me that everything falls into place his just as He wants.

Abundant Blessings

How do I get so blessed? As I meet more and more women I realize how broken we all are. God didn't design us for this, His design was for Holiness, purity, joy, relationship, truth. Everyday I see little glimpses of these in my life. Today I woke up to little sweet voices asking me what coffee I wanted. I received and "I love you" from my son. I confirmed God will be blessing us with a largest return. The sun is shining. I received a note that my friend bought me shiro in Ethiopia! The same friend met her soon to be son for the first time. I am connecting with lost friendships. I have the privilege to pray for my friends and family. I couldn't ask for more.

I hold tight to each miracle, joy, and light. Especially when times are tough. It is hard to remember Gods promises in the midst of trials. I remember feeling like i couldn't go on last year when my depression was at its worst. But yet, my struggles were no surprise for God. He knew what was going to happen and He made sure I was taken care of.

The last couple of days I have been praying for a friend of mine. She has been through so much in her life, yet her quiet spirit and strength give me hope.

So, what hopes do you see today in yourself, in others, or just around you? Write them down so you can pull them out when all seems lost. Remember, His plans are for a hope and a future, not for destruction (Jeremiah 29:11).

So, like me, as you go through your life chaos, remember it is not chaos to God. He knows what will happen next.

Pain in the foot, leg and wrist

As many of you know, last night me and my daughter-in-law went ant got our first tattoos. It was an experience like no other. Mikaya didn't fair so well in the pain department. I heard "I am nervous. That hurts. No really it hurts." from Mikaya. But she was a trooper and held on. Then it was my turn. It didn't hurt at first. Then as he continued to add detail to the already tattooed areas, I could feel pain. It still throbs and stings. But it will get better, soon hopefully.

Isn't that how life is, though? Painful? I look back over my past full of abuse, hate, fear and pain and I wonder why. Why me, Lord? Why not someone else. The Brible says we are God's masterpiece. Isn't that just like a tattoo? It was painful, but the brilliance of the artwork is beautiful! What a reward to see everyday. I am refined by fire. I am made beautiful and as I struggle through pain, another masterpiece is born.

Lord, remind me as the chaos in my head continues to question and spin that I am God's masterpiece now and forever.

Superhero

For a time Superhero by Hillsong Kids played 24/7 in the Raskell house. We haven't heard it for awhile. Is it sad I play it secretly at work and sing "Jesus your my Superhero, you my star, my best friend." And of course I add in the hand motions.

So, who is my Superhero? I would like to believe it is Jesus, but do I make others my Superhero? Captain Husband, Superkid, Ahnivorine, Spider? I know I do. We are a family of comic lovers. We have superman ornaments for Malchi and Gio, sponge bob for kev, scoop for Nick, spidey for Caleb, land princess anything for the girls. So, what does that say? We long for a Superhero. It  is the savior we need, it is in our created beings.

So, today I have to remind myself that Jesus is my Superhero. He is willing and able to always be here for me without question in time of need.

Lord, through this chaos, help me to let you save the day!

Dilating - a blurry world

I sit here at the eye doctor as my eyes get funky. You would think with all of today technology I shouldn't have to sit her while the lights get bright and I struggle to type these words. What would happen if my eyes stayed this way? I would walk around squinting and bumping into things.

Isn't life sometimes like a dilation? We see everything clearly - Christ, home, work, kids, etc. Then WHAM one day we can't see where we are going. Satan is good at deceiving me into believing I can see clearly or that the light isn't that bright.

Today I woke up an hour late (me, go figure!). I got ready in a daze reminding the children in such friendly terms we had to get going. The daze continued for quite awhile. I dropped Ahnika off, and realized it was time to change the outcome of my day. So I prayed. Lord, clear my mind, my heart. I don't like to be in this blurry world. As I continued talking with Him, I saw the.ha differently.

God wants us to seek Him in all things. I CAN do all things I. Christ who gives me strength. Even when I want to give up, He is always there beside me encouraging. He clarifies every aspect of my life. I just have to remember to allow him to. For so many years I walked around an empty shell. I was lost. After all I had gone through in my life, I lived lost, broken, scared, controlling, and full of shame. I coped with drugs, alcohol, food, and control of others. Finally, God said NO MORE and I actually listened! He cleared up the blurry. The veil was torn. I am and always will be free.

So, thank you Jesus for taking away the blurry of my chaos and my past. Continue to give me clarity.

Revelation

Do you ever have those times when something nags at you for a while, and then you get a revelation of Ahhh, I should have listened a long time ago! That is what I have been going through lately. The Spirit has been nagging me about a few things lately, and a lot of it came to light today. I was sitting in a church service this morning, and the pastor talked about all of our "secrets" should be brought to light. Now, my fear grows when I think about being real with others. "What will they think of me? Will they still be my friend?" But, then I realize it isn't their approval I seek, but Gods. He was there when I made mistakes, He already knows where I was every step of my life. He is light, and all my sins and the sins against me are known to Him. So, what should I fear? Nothing, yet I still do.

I have some decisions to make over the next few months. Decisions God is leading me through, but sometimes i stop in my tracks, not wanting to go on. Thankfully, I have been surrounding by a group of amazing women, their families, and my family urging me to open up and trust God. I am ready for this step. I am tired of hiding behind my past and my hurts. It molded me into who I was and who I am, but it does not determine who I can be in Christ. Only God can do that. My choices, my actions and those of others has altered my entire life. Abuse, control, hate, hurt, alcohol, drugs, sex, loss, love, needs, wants all have led to one thing - FORGIVENESS in Christ. I have made so many poor choices, but God has redeemed and freed me from the bondage that used to hold me down.

Yesterday I celebrated my birthday with my family (minus the two on their honeymoon). God has brought me out of the muck into the light of being surrounded by ones who love me for who I am - mistakes, weight, tears, annoyances, all of it. God has blessed me beyond measure. He has reached His hand out to my loved ones and blessed me with each of them.

I was reading in Revelations 3 today and the church of Sardis reminds me of so many churches and people I know or have been involved in. On the outside alive, but deep down on the inside dead. I have lived like this for so long. It was easy to show others how "alive" I was, yet underneath it all I was so hurt, shameful, guilt-ridden, angry, lost, scared, alone, isolated. No one knew. I wasn't living to the full extent God created me to do. Thankfully, He was gentle with me and opened my eyes to the Truth. Through this process I have also seen God's answer from other Godly people and churches to show me truth (2 Thessalonians 1:4). Through this I was able to live in freedom, as I continue to do.

There is so much out there to hurt us, deny us, persecute us, and hate us. We have to hold tight to His promises and His calling. We don't have to answer to man, but the one who created us - God. So, I will continue to live in my chaotic world, praising God for every part of my life. I will continue to search where I am to go to next for Him, and Him alone.

Why you not?

Why you not? That is a common sentence in our house from our lovely six year old Ahnika. “Why you not make Sophia do dat?” “Why you not put lotion on Daddy?” She is so inquisitive, and comparative. My sweet little girl has the biggest and most joyful heart. Her nickname is smiles and Little Miss Sunshine. Most of the time she is happy. The thing I love about her the most is she wears her emotions on her sleeves. I can always know how she is feeling based on her eyes and facial expressions. There is truth behind her. I pray that innocence, the trust, the love of life does not diminish as she realizes the world does not see the same things she does.

 

When I watch her, I have to ask myself, when did I lose my innocence, my zest for the little things, my joy. I can pinpoint many times in my life when I was hurt, scared, lost, and wondering if there was more to life than what I was doing. I have shared a little bit of my story with some of my family and friends, but who really wants to know the hard stuff? What will people think of me if they knew the real me? I have created a perfect solution – I became someone different than what God had originally designed before my sins and the sins of others changed me. Funny, though, how God always wants to draw us back to His original creation in us. The beautiful girl, innocent, full of love, joy and grace. The nurturing and forgiving woman who strives to find others who just loves her. He is creating a new heart and body in me. He has sent me women who say “Wow, that sucks that happened to you. But, how does that make me not want to be here for you?” I am really starting to see that I am loveable, I am funny (yes, see yesterday’s post), I am worthy, I am a masterpiece, and I am a princess – God’s daughter. My husband loves me for me, my friends still call me (of course I don’t answer or call back because that is who I am) and text me, my kids light up when I get home, and God smiles when he watches me. It doesn’t matter that I am afraid of rejection, or that I have many addictions, or that I don’t read my bible everyday, or that my house is NEVER clean, or that I have a weight problem, or that I can be critical of others, or even that I sometimes am a hypocrite. They see past all my scars, my wounds, my bad choices and they see me for me. Sometimes when I don’t even see me. I am so thankful for the my close group of people who have been here for me over the last few years as I have started to shed off the old me and put on the new. I am free in Christ and loving it! I don’t need to ask God “Why you not” anymore, but instead I get to say “Thank you for!”

 

So, Lord even in the midst of screaming, tantrums, addictions, hurt, you show that out of my chaotic life there is beauty, grace, mercy and LOVE. 1 Corinthians 13 is alive and present in my life thanks to all those who are traveling this crazy journey with me.

Laughter - God's best medicine

What makes you laugh the most? I live in a house so chaotic half the time I can’t tell if it is laughter or crying. The shortest sentence in the Bible is “He wept.” Is there a “He laughed”? There should be. When God created each day, I wonder what made Him laugh. Did he see the bubbles coming up from the water/earth as it separated and think “Oh yes! This is what I want to happen when my creatures fart in water?” Or did he laugh when he watched baby animals chase their tales? How often did Adam and Eve laugh, carefree before their bad choice? How much laughter happened after the Fall? We know Sarai laughed at God in negative sarcasm when Abram was told he was going to be a father in his old age.

 

Is there a difference between laughter and sarcastic laughter? My dear friends and I discuss this often. I personally believe it depends on the heart behind the sarcasm. My sarcasm can come out of hurt, fear, anger, or just plain joking. Thankfully I am surrounded by people who have the same sarcastic mind. It is so hard for me sometimes to be in a room when I spout off something HILARIOUS and no one laughs. Of course, it must be their own boring lives to not get MY jokes. Life is too serious to not laugh at everything – good and bad. I remember a few years ago Caleb threw a rock at our Yukon’s windshield – yes a rock. A perfect circular pattern formed. I was FURIOUS. I jumped in the car, because we were already late on top of the rock pattern, and gunned it down our driveway. CRASH! I ran into Kevin’s red car with the bull horns attached to the front. Yes, I ripped off the bumper. I wanted to cry until Giovanni yells out “Da car is mooning us!” Laughter was the only way out of my bad mood.

 

I can be too serious I am told by my lovely children and hubby. Loosen up; let it go, settle down! At the time I get so mad at them, but honestly (shh, don’t tell them) they are right. Why do I get so worked up in this world when it is only temporary? God created my laugh, my smile, my sparkle. Why not let it shine. I get suffocated at work sometime with the different personalities, but God is smiling with me. Wanting me to laugh. It really is the best medicine for me. Well, so is dancing but that is another post.

 

I leave you with my chaotic life story of how laughter is key in my marriage, my family, my relationships, and with my God. George, my hubby, emailed me today asking me “What words did we use to have the kids say because they were so funny?” I thought he meant earth translated to earf, or boots that are boops. Naw, he meant how the boys say ice cream. It sounds like (ear muffs here for those of you who may be offended by a donkey’s aka name) ass-cream. So, my dear Christian husband used to walk into Wal-Mart and ask them? “Do you want some ice cream?!” “Yes!” the boys would respond. “Yes, you want what?” he would ask. “We want ass-cream!”  When I think about this I laugh – hard. It is so funny to me. It brings me back to the joy of my life and the blessings God has bestowed on me. Yes, my friends welcome to beautiful chaos.

 

Note to readers: I do apologize if my story about the ice cream offended anyone. Just remember, I am open, honest and real on my blog. This is about the beautiful chaos God has planted in my life, my home and my heart. We are not perfect or exempt from mistakes, only saved and forgiven. J

 

Mom, dinner, why are you sleeping?

So, last night I came home and crashed. I went straight to bed and slept until 830. Other than really really weird dreams, I slept. Well, kind of. Add in little children. “Hi Mom!” Caleb yells from the hallway. “Mommy, dinner is ready. How come you not eat?” asks Sophia. “Why are you sleeping so much, Mom?” asks Ahnika. So, in between weird dreams, I was told dinner was ready and I needed to eat about 10 times, 3 times I got cuddle time with Sophia, and multiple times I listened to laughter from my kids. I woke up refreshed and ready to face what life gives me.

 

In my reading today, 1 Thessalonians 1:7 says God provides rest for us who are being persecuted. During Creation, God rested at the end. Christ rested in the boats away from people. So why shouldn’t we rest? Being a mother is hard, I admit. Unfortunately I have to face many uphill battles. I have faced debilitating depression, past abuse, illness, loss, work, etc. Some days I just want to throw my hands us and say “NO MORE!” But, no more what? Can I really give up? When kids come to cuddle can I say “No, I give up, no more cuddling?” No way. So instead I cry out to Jesus “Lord, take this hardship, this pain. Fill me with strength and understanding.” My prayers are always answered then, in many different ways. So, I can choose to go down the path of bitterness and resentment for the “lot” I have in life, or I can embrace every moment realizing God knows my outcome and His desire is for my security and love for Him. Psalm 118:24 says “This is THE day the Lord has made, we (I) will rejoice and be glad in it.” He makes each day, so today I chose to rejoice in whatever comes my way.

 

I must say, though, my husband has it rough. Some could say he married “damaged goods”. I say he married a woman refined by fire. He definitely has to take on more than most husbands. For me, working 40 hours a week, battling my past, commuting to work, raising multiple amounts of children, and life has taken its toll on my body and my mind. I come home pretty exhausted and he is left to do laundry, dinner, housework, etc. while I nurse my hurts and pains. I know he gets run down, but I see the light that shines around him every time he serves me. The light given to him by God. God has already prepared an amazing place for all of us who believe in heaven, but my husband’s place outshines us all. I am so grateful for God bringing us together and blessing our marriage.

 

So, what are your hurts and pains that hold you back from living life? Who has to pick up the “slack” when you aren’t 100%? Tell that person you love them and appreciate all they do for you. I know I forget to thank my husband enough. So, dear, THANK YOU!

 

Lord, remind me that the chaos of my life is for your glory and your praise, not because of ANYTHING I do.

 

Change - Good or Bad?

So, is change good or bad? For my little Sophia, change is bad. She excels best when we are consistently the same – same bed time, same nights at home, same work schedule, etc. When any of these change, she becomes stressed and becomes needier along with more tantrums. For the last three weeks our lives have been in constant change and Sophia’s little attitude shows. Poor thing. All I can do is hold her in my arms and reassure her we love her and she is doing well. Deep breaths little one, deep breaths.

 

So, in the last few days I have reflected on how I handle change. Honestly, I don’t like it. I feel safe and secure when things are the same. Boring, I know. I would, if allowed, stay at home and be with the kids 24/7 if I could. Unfortunately I don’t think my family and friends would allow this. So, I have to allow some change. This week, however, I think I have reached my maximum number of changes my mind and heart can take. My son, daughter-in-law, and heart adopted daughter all showed up from Germany. My parents were here with us and then my brother showed up. Good change overall I think. But then you throw in my son getting married. Good and bad. He know has a beautiful and loving wife, but I lost my oldest son. Sniff sniff. So, finally today it all hit. I didn’t throw a tantrum, or cry, or hit, or scream, but instead I crashed – at my desk. Once I finally rallied I realized how Jesus’ disciples must have felt in the Garden the night Christ was arrested. Jesus kept waking them up, but they couldn’t stay awake. So, how do I learn to cope better with change? How do I not run myself into the ground? I want to be better equipped so I am ready to defend Christ when the enemy comes searching for Him to destroy.

 

I started looking for times in the bible where there was good change and bad change. Abram in Genesis 17 received a name change. He became Abraham – Father of all the nations. Jacob becomes Israel in Genesis 32. My children had names changes after we adopted them. Christ changed my name from sinner to saint when I accepted Him and was adopted into His family. In 2 Corinthians 5:17, Paul talks about taking off the old and putting on the new. Of course, like I wrote before, this change can be painful and hard. I wonder what Abram and Jacob thought when God changed them. I would be pretty scared. But, in all these were good changes. They were changes needed for the survival of His people.

 

What about bad change? The loss of someone or a pet? At the wedding this weekend I really struggled during the father/daughter dance thinking about how close I came to loosing my earthly Daddy and how I did lose my father-in-law who basically was a father to me. I was sad knowing he wouldn’t get to dance with his daughters here on earth. But, God gently reminded me I had to rejoice because he was transformed into a renewed and healed man. My father-in-law was and still is dancing in heaven, rejoicing in his earthly family and the marriage of his grandson. Then I thought of Romans 12:2 where Paul tells us not to conform to the world. This would most definitely be a bad change if we followed the world in our actions and decisions. I have to seek God’s help in this to NOT change based on the World’s standards. It is so hard, though! I mean really, Verizon is getting the iPhone, we have to buy a new car, everything is on clearance and my mind screams I WANT I WANT I WANT! But isn’t this the same problem Sophia is having? Tantrums because her life changed. I am really not so different from a 4 yr old some days.

 

So, again I ask God, “How am I supposed to cope with all this change? What am I to do?” His answer is simple – faith. Believe He knows what changes are coming. He sees and knows all. Trust. Believe. Hope. These are His promises. Even though the world may change, or my life may change, He NEVER changes. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is perfect. When I am torn between normalcy and stepping into chaos, I can only seek His face, His truth, His guidance, and His wisdom. In doing that, I will NEVER fail.

 

Lord help me keep my chaos and future changes under control. Remind me of it, and change, when directed by you, is GOOD! Help me to keep in your will, not the will of the world.

Why are you watering your face?

There is nothing more romantic than a wedding. For the first time I was able to be a parent of the groom. It was magical, really. She was a beautiful princess and he was the handsome prince. They even rode away in their white "steed". I lost a son but gained a daughter.

There are so many stories to share, but the one that stood out to me was the toast. The maid of honor spoke followed by my son, Malchi, as the best man. A couple others spoke. Then the crowd chanted "George, George, George!" And my husband stood and spoke. I was drawn back to the time of our wedding. It was the perfect day, really. It was full of love, hope and dreams. And as I listened to my husband speak, I finally realized how different my love for him was since I said "I do". It is deep, trusting, secure, faithful, unconditional. He is my true love. My husband and pretty much all of us cried during the speech. It was inspiring and moving.

When the speech was done, Ahnika turned to my sister in law Vanessa and said "Why are you getting your face wet?" She responded something I am sure, but I thought "it was your daddy". Isn't that how God is, though? He says things about His children that move us. In Psalm 45, it talks about the King coming home to take his beautiful bride. That is what marriage is about. God created the men in our lives to be Kings. To be our strength. I forget that sometimes. Especially when i forget Christ is my true husband. He is the one who is the source and promise of strength. It is through His strength and love that my marriage is as blessed as it is.

Taking off the old ...

Have you ever wondered what Paul meant when he said we are to take off the old man/body and put on our new body in Christ? For years I struggled with trying to figure out what my old self was. Thanks to a group of friends and a study we are doing I am finally seeing Gods truth in this.

As I posted yesterday we recently saw the new Narnia movie. If you haven't seen it, hopefully this doesn't spoil part of it. Last night it finally hit me what Lewis was showing us with Eustace's transformation back to a boy. When Eustace finally gave up his life, his outcome, his will to someone else (Aslan), Aslan changed him back to a boy. The transformation wasn't without pain, though. Think about it, he was being changed, transformed, reconfigured. That is painful. But, for me I am realizing I need this pain. The reminder of where I was and what I have ahead of me. Christ is our real Aslan. He alone can transform me and you. He has taken this broken human full of despair, guilt, blame, shame, addictions, etc. and restored me to a beautiful creation. The woman and little girl He created me to be. It is so easy for me to forget this. I cry out to Jesus, "Free me Lord!" But, after I am free it is still a choice for me to stay free. Unfortunately I choose to put myself back in shackles. It is a revolving cycle. The hardest part is that the shackles are the same bondage, just different materials. My main materials are self-blame, shame, guilt, resentment, anger, fear, worry, and distorted reality. Just when I conquer one, I pick up another.

Today I am focusing on keeping my "dragon" skin off and not putting the shackles back on. This allows the Holy Spirit to completely fill me.

Blessings friends!

Faith - believing the unseen

I have faith, right? Well sometimes I do. We went and saw the third Narnia movie on Sunday. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Amazing! The depth to which Lewis rights amazes my small brain. It is a reminder that faith is the center of it all.

"Do you really believe there is such a place?" Lucy asks. "We have nothing if not belief," answers Reepicheep. How true! Do I really believe there is such a place as eternity? Heaven? "If I have no love (nothing), I am a banging gong or a noisy cymbal." 1 Cor 13:1. All I really have is love to hold onto. Somedays I feel like I am holding onto nothing, but other days it is overflowing. The point I have to remember is that love is always there. Always available for me. Not from mankind, but one Man - Jesus the Christ. He is love. He is the belief that there is more to life than this evil earth.

I am so thankful for the love given to me by my family and friends. I just pray I reciprocate it back at them. I have a husband that amazes me daily at the amount of love he gives freely to me. From allowing me to talk endlessly, to playing princess with girls, to wrestling with my boys, even cooking and doing laundry when it is needed. That is love. My children who want to be with me, who say I love you, who ask me "how was work Mama?" That is love. My friends who answer my texts at all hours, who cry when I cry, make me laugh, and get my sarcasm. That is love.

So thank you to everyone who shows love to me and to others. Thank you Jesus for your ultimate unconditional love.

An you are not it!

My lovely daughter Sophia drew a picture for me this morning and it said "I have the bestest Mommy ever and you are not it!" But then she proceeded to tell my husband the same thing except she changed Mommy to Daddy. But it got me thinking, do I really deserve the title bestest Mommy? Some days I am sure I do, but other days when I am tired, grumpy, hungry, etc? Absolutely not!

I am slowly learning that I can only do things in and the with the strength given to me by God. When I feel like I just can't go on, I remember He gave me the privilege to care for these kids, this husband, this house, this family, so why won't He give me the strength. He promises He will always be there. I believe Him.

As I move into the year 2011 I reflect on God's mercy, grace and love He has shown me. I couldn't imagine anything different.